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Maybe I Should Have Started Freebasing Heroin Instead

The kids and 10,000 YouTube videos wore me down and made promises my carpet wouldn’t see kept. We got a puppy. It’s surprisingly difficult to actually get your hands on an actual puppy in Southern California. The shelter waiting period is longer than one for a handgun—they clearly think you’re starting a dog fighting ring. In the end, we found an ad in the furniture section of Craigslist that was entirely in Spanish except for the word “beagle,” and our fate was sealed.


I sent an email in Spanish to which the family responded by having their English-speaking father call me. Clearly, I can’t pass for a Spanish speaker even in writing.


Here are the good things about having a puppy:

  • Extreme cuteness
  • Shiny black nose
  • Saintly sleeping


Here are the bad things about having a puppy:

  • Every other thing on the face of the earth


You know when you buy a 1982 Mitsubishi Eclipse and add the $500 rims and now you need an LED underbody kit and a horn that plays “La Bamba”? No? Me neither, but when you get a puppy, now you need a collar, tag, shots, deworming, crate, playpen, and a horn that plays “La Bamba.” A dog picked up full of fleas and worms from inner- city Oakland racks up enough expense to outfit an Eclipse pretty quickly. It’s like a baby without the shower gifts.


I work at home, so now I have a companion. She’s like every annoying office colleague I’ve ever had rolled into one. Ashley who eats your yogurt—the puppy eats your furniture. Melissa who won’t stop talking—puppies have seventy-five different ways of getting your attention, all of which include copious quantities of noise. And Elaine’s messy files have nothing on a pile of crap under the dining room table.


Like babies, God tricks you into a puppy with cuteness and takes away your better judgment with sleep deprivation or the streets would be filled with Moses in the bulrushes baskets of puppies. Take the dog and the money’s yours. You can even resell them on Craigslist, but try the pet section this time.

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2 comments on “Maybe I Should Have Started Freebasing Heroin Instead”‎

  • Amie

    Not only will you need all those add-ons Em, you will probably want to make your own dog food!

  • viv

    So glad I didn’t make the annoying coworker list. Hope to see you soon.

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